DP#0014
Dear Period,
Last winter, after a particularly intense snow storm that had most of us bundled up for days, I found myself at a series of snow parties with a boo thang I had banged a few moon cycles back (who also happens to be my best friend's room mate). We were dancing and grooving and decided to take things back to his place so I could check out the "sweet igloo" he had made in his backyard. The igloo was so impressive that things quickly escalated to us fooling around inside the igloo. I didn't think too much about the fact that I was on my period because (a) we weren't having sex yet and (b) I was pretty intoxicated. And then, to my horror, when we are wrapping things up to go to his room, I find myself sitting in a pool of my blood that had stained the igloo ice floor...needless to say, things didn't progress much past that and I now have to relive this moment every single time I hang out at my best friend's house. The moral of the story is this: A. Don't have sex with your best friend's room mate - it never ends well. B. Don't have sex in an igloo - it never ends well.
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
Sweetheart, there are no words for this.
My goodness,
Period
DP#0017
Dear Period,
Remember that one time when the universe did me a solid and let me meet a really cool guy (cough "Tinder Traveler" cough)? Remember when you decided to show up during our initial meeting (because let's face it, it's not a first date when you haven't even seen this person IN person), forcing me to rely on my backup supply of emergency tampons? Well, later that night, after a lovely 8 hour date with someone I was 100% going to bang, I end up on my couch fooling around. I'm hyped - this is my rebound sex and it's gonna be great... Except when Tinder Traveler spreads my legs to see a little white string hanging out of my Vaj. After staring at it for a moment (which obviously felt uncomfortable - kind of like having your OBGYN look at you as if you have herpes on your junk), he says: "Ohhhh, I see what's happening here..." Once again cock blocked by my own body. Thanks period, you suck.
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
Sweetheart, there are no words for this.
My goodness,
Period
DP#0072
Dear Period,
WHY ARE YOU THE FUCKING WORST I HATE YOU MORE THAN I HATE PRETTY MUCH ANYTHING ELSE YOU MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH MORE DIFFICULT THAN IT NEEDS TO BE AND HAVE CAUSED ME SO MUCH PAIN AND HINDERED SO MUCH FUN AND TAKE UP SO MUCH OF MY TIME FUCK YOUUUUUU!!!!!!!
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
Sooo, I'm sensing some tension between us. Look, I know this shit isn't easy, but you try cleaning out a uterus every month. Coordinating all things period is tough. Have you ever stopped to think about what I'm going through? Starting the day after my last visit, I work non-stop for the next 24 days orchestrating hormones, ovaries, follicles, and eggs. Let's do the math, I get about three days off a month. I'm not perfect, I get crabby sometimes and take it out on you. But who likes to deal with tough shit on their own?
So the next time your feeling salty about me, try to put yourself in my shoes (size 8, red please).
Love,
Period