When the new hot guy at the gym is next to me on the treadmill, you feel even worse. Like a double throb. F-you Period
Good for you honey for making it to the gym upon my nasty arrival. Keep up the good work, and I'll see you next month.
Please stop showing up in the middle of the night and the middle of my bed.
First of all, nice bedding set. Second of all, last night was my friendly reminder it's time to wash your sheets.
I understand guys being uncomfortable talking about you but I don't get why some women are. I totally silenced an entire table of women at a pottery painting party when I made a joke about you. I know I'm funny so it must have been about you. Why is that? You're not "Fight Club". We CAN talk about you.
Dear Pottery Painter,
I know I can silence a room, even of women. Frankly, I'm tired of it. I should be celebrated and marveled. I want a voice at the proverbial table.
A change is brewing (and not that change girlfriend), trust me.
So there I was getting a tattoo by a super hot guy, which I mistakenly scheduled on the heaviest day of you, period. I have to take a break every hour to change my tampon. At break number 2, hot tattoo guy uses the bathroom before me, I walk in after him to find you, period, on the toilet seat. Remnants of break number 1. I spend the next three hours with hot guy finishing my tattoo - mortified. You suck.
N. P. A.
Dear N. P. A.,
He leaves his mark, I leave mine.
Well, here we are again, a full 18 days later. Look, I know my va-jay-jay is magical but early arrival guests are simply rude.
Pink’s Let’s Get the Party Started seems to be an appropriate theme song these days, don’t ya think? No coincidence that Pink is a lighter shade of RED.
Get this party started
Get this party started right now
Get this party started
Get this party started
Get this party started right now …
I always saw you as a reminder of my womanhood and beauty, but that doesn't mean you're not a complete pain in my ass. And stop making my boobs grow!!!! It makes running to the fridge a lot harder.
Oh stop, you're making me blush ... ok keep going, I'm liking this. I want to hear more about my good qualities.
What a relief you understand me, well mostly. I may be a pain in the ass sometimes, it's sort of like your best friend, who, let's be honest, can even be an occasional pain in the ass. You know I'm right. And just like a best friend, I'm here, time and time again.
Look, I'm sort of doing you a favor with the bigger boobs. A gentle reminder that maybe that trip to the fridge isn't necessary. Just sayin'.
Your trusted friend.
Please keep in mind that clean white bedsheets in a spanish hotel are ment to stay clean and white. Also try not to do so much of the 'showing up at random times' thing. That day at the pool was not fun.
Dear Pool Time,
I'm not sure why you think you get to have all the fun? I like traveling and being pool side. But you never ask about what I like. I'm taking initiative and inviting myself to the party. Please don't try to plan around me, really it will only lead to embarrassment.
Don't forget the sunblock!
What I want to know is do you have to make a big stain on my pants in the the middle of dinner with my boss???? I was surrounded by my dad, boss, his daughter, and my mum!!!
Like why just why??!!
Alright that may have been a bit much. All that talk about work though, seriously how boring! I was just trying to spice up the evening. It was memorable, right? Makes for a great story, may be not something to share at your next job interview, but with your girlfriends for sure.
Love you're spicy friend,
You arrived today. Simultaneously embarrassing me in English class, giving me excruciating backache and ruining my new underwear that I literally bought yesterday. But I still kind of like you. You let me know that I'm not pregnant but I still don't see why you can't just text me and be like 'hi you're not preggers, talk to you next month!' Or something like that. I'm still spending money on you as well, although I don't really have a choice, it's either buy you your pads or let you bleed into my skirt... please, just text me next month
You should know by now that I’m old fashioned. I prefer the natural method of communicating. It makes it exciting, don’t you think? It takes weeks before you know if you’re preggars or not ... all that time waiting in anticipation, thoughts consumed by nervous energy, asking yourself was that a period symptoms, no wait, or a pregnancy symptom? It’s fun, right?
I am sorry about the underwear, my bad.
Your trusted friend,
I was at one of my clubs and forget to change my tampon, therefore you decided that you just cry your little heart out. Which caused me to leak all over my undies and almost to my shorts.
You're such a pain.
I felt like you forgot about me. I was feeling neglected and needed your attention. And anyway it was only your undies, I gave you a break.
I’d rather avoid us getting to one of those most embarrassing moments ever situations. So just remember I’m visiting when you’re out having fun, because I can’t promise a similar break the next time you forget about me. Just sayin’.
I've hated every day of this week so much. I wasn't able to practice my dance because it was so bad. Just why are you like this? BTW, I still remember the time where I was in class and my stomach started hurting so bad. Then I looked down and saw the blood party through my pants. The only good thing was that I had a sweater to cover it up until it started to get little bits of blood on it.
Maybe I’m a bit much sometimes, but you’ll get used to me one day. Its sort of like when you start hanging out with someone new and at first it can be weird? Well I’m still in that weird stage of getting used to you. Testing out the (red) waters so to speak.
We’re going to be friends for a long time, why rush? Slow and steady girl....
Btw, I like to dance too
You suck. I try to be nice and except you, after all you are a part of life. But all you do in return is make school worse, give me back pain and headaches, you even try to embarrass me in front of everyone. You make me lazy and hungry. I wish you would go away.
Dear Lazy and Hungry,
Yes, yes I do suck...suck the life out of you once a month, bhwrararara. Only kidding. In reality, we together can be quite the duo if you so choose. Scratch my back and I'll scratch yours. A mild oversight on the headaches and back pain, but it can be difficult to make my way around each month. I promise to be cognizant of that approach from here on out. A little hint, as exercise, raspberry tea and eating healthy clean foods will help with the lazy and hungry feeling you so badly want to blame on me . Oh and plenty of water helps me battle that desire to give you back paid and headaches.
On that whole embarrassing thing you mentioned...oh puleez honey...that's not me embarrassing you...that's your friends envy. Trust me.
Until next month, Ta-Ta,
It sounds crazy to write to you but here I am right now. The first time you came you made me feel like a young woman and you still do every month. The first few times (for a year or two) I dreaded your arrival. Now, I don’t really care that much. Thank you for being there, and giving me the chance to have children one day. Thank you I guess for putting me through days of CONTINUOUS bleeding and pain ; not sure I’m so grateful for that. A day at most would be enough. Still love you though (I guess!)
I suppose this is a touch crazy writing to your Period, but who cares, bhwrahahaha. And yes, you do love me, I repeat, you do love me.
Life is all about chances, experiences and love...all of which come along with some bleeding and pain every now and then. Just wait until your forties, and I'm sure you will be rehashing your love for me.
All my love, all the time,
Remember that time when I was about to start Physical Training for ROTC and you showed up? I was so embarrassed, because you leaked a little onto my leggings. I was so scared to do the leg stretches, but thankfully no one noticed. I tried to be discreet, and you were my friend that morning. I just wish you would've given me an earlier warning, but otherwise, thanks for sparing me. Come back soon, because I'm tired of you giving me false alarm cramps.
Dear Let's Get Physical,
First of all a big thank you for all that you do with me. I need to be there for you, all the time. You picking up what I'm putting down? We just started this long tumultuous relationship...wait until things get heated darling.
Oh so I leaked a touch...let's not cry over spilled milk, deal? And those false alarm cramps...I'm just getting physical too honey.
Please please please stop being late ? you were due the week before Christmas and never came - then boom you hit me on Christmas Day ?! I do like you though when your light because it shows I’m healthy ?- in the future please be on time and don’t leak through my pad ??
Yours truly ,
I missed the mark on Christmas, didn’t I? I thought I was bringing a little crimson cheer On the holiday. Oh well I’ll try to do better next year.
As far as being late, I know I keep a spotty schedule but that’s just the way I flow. Anticipation builds excitement, right? And I always bring good news - you’re healthy.
So I was at school and my history and math teachers are married and they share a classroom. My math teacher (female) was gone that day so her husband was filling in for her. I had to go to the bathroom. That's when I saw the blood. I started freaking out and went back to class. After going back to class, I told two of my friends. After telling my friends, they told me to go back and take care of it. So I asked to go again. My history teacher (male) got super annoyed and just stared at me until he finally let me go.
Hi New Friend,
I’m glad you told your friends about me and took care of me right away (I do like being the center of your attention). You passed your first test with me girlfriend. Your history teacher - he failed! Someone needs to teach him a thing or two about me.
Until the next time,
Why must you arrive at the most annoying times? Important exam, period. Friends party, period. Christmas day, period. Why can you not wait a week or two?
Wait? Oh c’mon now I adore all of your life events just as much as you. I just want to be a part of your pack. Pretty please?
Besides I’m only trying to build character as in your character. Just wait until we are in the workforce together...
All my love,
Hi there Period just why do you choose the most awful times to pop up and say hello , like that time you decided to come and say hello whilst sitting an exam or whilst a evacuating a building that’s on fire?
I like the element of surprise my dear. Combine that with my need for attention and things start to get interesting. Here’s the thing my “timely” visits will make for great stories one day, really. I especially like the evacuation one, quite brilliant arrival if you ask me. I can see it now, you telling your girlfriends about it over a glass of wine, everyone laughing and empathetic. Trust me, let’s have a little fun! With it
Keeping it spicy,
Why can't you come at the same time of the month? I never know when your going to arrive so I always have to be prepared and I'm always cautious. If I get a tummy ache I instantly assume its you. It often isn't so then I've just panicked for no reason. And also why do you stay for so long? Did no one teach you how to be polite? Never stay for longer than wanted at a guests' house or in this case body. Learn some manners.
I’ve got a complicated job to do and I stay until it’s finished. I’m not a quitter. Don’t confuse that with being impolite.
How about this, download a period app and start tracking me. I bet you’ll be less frustrated and start to appreciate me, and everything I do for you. Which is a lot, like a real lot.
We’re going to be together for a long time to come, so we may as well be friendly about this. And maybe one day even friends.
I really do not need you. I'm a lesbian who plans if I have kids, they'll be adopted. throwback to the first time I got you where I was ten years old. I thought I had some sort of disease that'd kill me but I was too afraid to tell anyone. we didn't have education on the subject till a year later. as I said I really do not think I need you.
Wait a minute, I take insult to the notion that I’m just for baby making. I’m a fine tuned process that is a banner of your health, fine your reproductive health. But listen sister if you aren’t treating your body well - I will let you know. If something is off hormonally - I will let you know. I’m part of a wonderfully integrated system, so don’t be so quick to say you don’t need me.
And look what if you adopt a girl? What will you tell her about her period? “Well darling, I decided I didn’t need one so I got rid of it.” Please, you may have the opportunity to educate and empower a young woman. You can help stop this cycle (no pun intended) of period shaming and be part of the bad ass women who empower future bleeders.
Dear My Period
What the hell??? Down the stables - I was trying to ride and I start so embarrassing and I had to ask my friend for a pad wth!!!!!!
Most embarrassed person ever
Dear Horsing Around,
Look you’re part of the period tribe now. I know you’d be happy to help someone in need of a pad or tampon, right? It would probably make you feel good to help, right?. And that’s probably how your friend felt, so stop being embarrassed!
Now you need to start planning for me better. Seriously it isn’t that hard, so throw that extra tampon/pad in you bag and then you’ll be ready to help yourself and support your tribe.
Can you please stop making seem like your a waterfall because it’s really pissing me off.I’ll be sat in class and suddenly I feel like shits about to be stained but nope it’s just a the smallest bit. And plus can you just ease off on the cramps Jesus I don’t want to feel like I’m being stabbed every 10 minutes and then feel like there’s a herd of elephants trampling over my uterus.
I’m tricky aren’t I? It’s a coveted talent that you someday will master. In the meantime, take my jabs and trampling as a notice me gesture. I want your attention, monthly.
You see not much can stop me but we can most certainly find many ways to be friends.