We've known each other quite some time now. Let's be honest, I'm done.
Are you quitting? Not so fast my dear. I will continue to mess with you for a few more years, just for fun. Bwhahahaha
Never have I really grown fond. And please do not rear your big ugly head while I'm on vacation.
Dear A. H.,
We are co-dependent. And like any true co-dependent relationship, I'm going to rear my ugly head at the worst possible time.
Hugs and Cramps,
Your lack of keeping "time" is atrocious.
Hate you, Anonymous
Keeping time is for sissies and control freaks.
Thank you for making me the woman I am today. I hate you. I appreciate the bigger boobs. Eat that sandwich!
You are oh so welcome for the bigger boobs shuga. Here to help monthly until the day I die.
Ha, ha, ha
Never again shall I be fooled into drinking RED wine in hopes that such action will help with the cramps you provided. You suck!
Cramps are just hugs from me indicating how much I adore you.
Was it really necessary to visit my while I have food poisoning? I mean...aren't the fever, and chills, and diarrhea enough? Did you think a reminder of my fertility would cheer me up? Really?
Food Poisoning Recover Victim
Dear Food Poisoning Recovery Victim,
While I'm sorry to hear of your food poisoning experience, I must remind you that I prevail over most of your bodily conditions. I will not be forgotten or worse, underestimated in a time of duress. I'm an attention fiend and proud of it.
Cuddles and cramps,
I did the math. I could build a small school for girls in Africa for the amount of money I spend in a month on tampons and pads. If you're willing to let me skip a month I'll contact Oprah. I know someone who knows someone who knows her.
I invest in you, you invest in me. It's a symbolic relationship. And not one that you need to get other people involved in, especially Oprah. I recall some sort of scandal with her school…I'm pretty sure you don't want to rehash that my friend. So there you have it, don't mistreat me, it isn't worth it.
My extremely patient husband doesn't understand how after 34 years and 408 periods I'm still caught off guard, frustrated and confused by you. How do I explain to him your twisted &/£#$% mind?
Help in Phoenix
Dear Help in Phoenix,
I like to keep things spicy. One of my greatest strengths is the element of surprise - even though you shouldn't be surprised. Admit it, once you realize why you're feeling off, frustrated, there's a sense of sisterhood with me? You get a wave of familiarity that can't be explained. You will miss me one day. Until then, celebrate me.
Your closest friend,
Why do you play favorites? My sister has a scratch every month and I have a crime scene. I hate you.
Dear Sister Envy,
I don't play favorites. You should know this by now. You should also thank me, I make you stand apart from your sister. Something most siblings dream of. In fact I think you're lucky.
Why do you drop for days on end after you should be gone. Just to ruin every pair of undeis I have?!
You've got it all wrong. This was my subtle way of telling you that you need new underwear (and have for a while). I'm actually doing you a favor my friend. Now you have the excuse, trust me, otherwise you would have felt a little frivolous.
Remember we're a team. I've got your back, so to speak.
Day 12...really? Is there any chance this might be overkill? My husband asked me to let you know that he has needs. Does that even matter to you? Me neither.
We all have needs my dear. I'm not sure if you forgot, but mine come first. And right now I'm feeling a little needy. If this mood continues you may be seeing me more frequently. I haven't decided just yet.
Please warn your husband so he can mentally prepare. You may want to remind him that you and I have been together a long time. And right now I'm still steering this ship. So hands off the wheel hubby, it's mine.
Why are you so irregular you leave me on edge every month! When you come you make it feel like I'm being stabbed in the back and stomach and then come the heaviest you possibly can! Why don't you just come when your supposed to are you playing games with me?
I like to keep you on your toes. Where's the fun in every 28 days ... BORING. I like spontaneity and when I arrive, I want it to be known. No subtle spotting my dear. I'm passionate and thrive off attention. Sometimes in life you just need to accept the situation and go with the flow.
So you aren't here right now, but you will be soon, and you're already making everything ~down there~ a little smelly. Please stop. It makes me feel gross.
Thank you, see you in a week
Girl we need to talk. I know you think it's me, but I'm a cleaner (like Leon Montana in The Professional, if you catch my drift). People like to blame me for everything and I'm tired of it. I like to make my presence known, but not in that way. Seriously something is off, so stop looking at me as the culprit and get that checked out!
Leon (aka Period)
When you showed up in my life at 12, I couldn't be prouder. I felt like a "real woman". Well, I changed my mind about two days later because you are quite a pain in the ass. But still, we had quite a reasonably okay time together for years. You kicked my uterus a few times and bled all over my nice panties but I still appreciated you. But recently, I felt like you and I have fallen apart. I don't get it ! You're giving me such a hard time that I'm kinda angry at you. Why are you giving me all these back pains, stomach pains, nausea, hot flashes, mood swings, digestive problems (yeah, sorry not sexy but we NEED to talk about that).. ?? Not cool, girl.
PS : you'll have to excuse my approximate English, it's not my first language.
You should know that I’m not one for complacency. We got too comfortable so I had to make some changes. Maybe I’m coming on a bit strong, but I got your attention, didn’t I? And I like attention. Okay I’ll give you a little hint, there are a few things you do to minimize my impacts; exercise, limit caffeine intake … the standard stuff. Word on the street is that a few drops of basil, rosemary, and marjoram essential oil mixed with aloe vera and rubbed into the belly slowly can help. I don’t want to hear you ask “What have you done for me lately?”, deal?
We’re in this for the long haul. Don’t assume that it will always be smooth sailing. Change is natural, a good thing. It keeps you on your toes.
My period hates me. She ruins my best underwear, she ruins my sheets, she makes my back hurt. Dear Period, why do you hate me?
No, no, no, You've got it all wrong. I don't hate you. I just want you to know that I'm here. Well, truth be told, I like to remind you of our pecking order so you don't get too big for your period britches. Lets be honest I am the powerful one.
Speaking of pants, sometimes those panties I ruin need to be ruined - just saying.
Your friend until menopause,
Dear Dear Period..
First of all I'm so happy that I finally got to talk to you ,well I don't know why I love you even if you are the worst ! Maybe because you make me feel like I'm a female but sweetheart you make me suffer for real , you are the worst thing ever but I love you , lately you've been a little nicer to me , please keep it this way , and if you wanna visit , make sure to not come the mornings because I hate it , I prefer the evenings . And ONE more thing, you can play with my hormones as much as you want they're all yours but please don't play with appetite.
Love you ,
I'm blushing! Your sweet sentiment just made my month. I'm glad we're in this together for the long haul until menopause.
I know I can be disruptive, but I dance to the beat of my own drum. No promises on your asks, I'll entertain them. The problem is that I like to arrive early so you can plan your day around me, it makes me feel special. I also like to throw in the occasional curve ball, perhaps cramps and back pain one month but not the next just to keep it exciting, since long term relationships can get stale. And the appetite thing, well that's non-negotiable. I like to indulge.
I know loving me can hurt, but in the big picture of things were not talking about that many days each year. I say we have a pretty good thing going here.
Your loving friend,
Why do you always want to come at the worst time? At soccer tryouts, vacations, at the beach....why? I don’t hate you but I just wish you would be more considerate about my life.
SPOILER ALERT - I want to be part of the fun and excitement. I like to kick back on the beach just as much as you do. I get excited for soccer tryouts too. So I may be a little selfish at times, but I am not trying to be inconsiderate. I just having this uncanny knack for timing. It's one of my greatest strengths. I think it's sort of endearing - don't you? Just a little??
I'm always cheering for you on the sidelines Me.
You are beautifully red and I love you. But, you're painful. You make me lethargic at work.
Don't do this to me.
I love you
A body that menstruates
My Menstruating Friend,
I love you too. I know my love hurts at times, but I am rather obsessed with attention. I like to make my arrival and presence known, it keeps our relationship in balance, and I'm all about balance. Think of cramps and lethargy as our game of menstruation. An internal volley; sure you have cramps and you feel lethargic, but you still function, you still get up in the morning, you still work, therefore you are amazing and strong. One day I hope it boosts your I can do anything attitude.
I am beautiful, aren't I?
You took me by surprise the first time, but I guess that's your MO. It's been over 10 years since we've first encountered and every month I'm kind of glad to see you again. You never caused me too much pain but if you could leave the headaches you bring at home, that would be a blessing. I've started using cups to support you even better. Thank you period, for making me a woman. I hope there will be time when you go on vacation for a few months and I can get a baby in return. If you do, I'll gladly welcome you back and make sure there's extra chocolate lying around when you do!
Your kind words warm my heart. I love my visits and I love that you feel like a woman when I arrive. I think we've had a good run so far, I say we keep it up. I'm sure we can work out a deal, especially if you throw in those chocolates. Keep taking care of yourself and in turn me.
Oh, the headaches, I can't promise that I'll ease up on those. It's the closest thing I have to wearing a tiara my friend. And I do like a bit of the bling.
Really? I thought we were friends? I get that you get frustrated with me, but c'mon. You don't want to make me mad, trust me. How about this, next time you say "fuck you" to me just a "but I still love you"? That's all it would take to keep me happy.
Your friend - like it or not,
I had gotten you on a Friday, wearing light wash jeans. My friend had seen you, but I didn’t. I didn’t notice you came till my mom spotted you bleeding through my pants. It was funny for me lol because I thought it was ketchup, and I was excited to get you.
And the rest of you ladies, don’t call your period gross. Respect your period. Your period gives you cramps and stuff, but don’t act like it’s a bad thing that you got it. I love my period, although it hurts VERY MUCH. Some women did not get their period, and they’re scared that they won’t become a mom. Please love and respect your period.
Girl - you are on point. And to those other ladies, there's no need to be salty, love and respect is where it's at.
I'm glad we're in this together,
Dear Moon Time,
I’m so in love with you. It wasn’t always like that. When I first met you it was one of the most exciting moments in my life. I felt like I was blooming into my womanhood. Later on as the years passed I just learned to make you into an inconvenience, this was just patriarchy, it had taken a hold of me. But darling, now I so LOVE and appreciate the sweet red nectar of divine feminine lunar love that you truly are. You are what makes me a magical, wild, creative creature. You are what brings me inside my womb allowing me to rest amidst a world that tells me to never stop doing. You are my bridge to higher states of consciousness. Red the color of a warrior Goddess, that’s what you remind me that I am. Because I bleed and I don’t die. I am magic, a warriores of love and truth.
I love you.
Dear Warrior Goddess,
You understand me.
You value me.
You humble me.
There are no words that can truly express my joy over your sentiment.
Your Divine Feminine Lunar Love (aka Period)
Hi I just wanted to say we should be proud of our period
Dear Lover of Me,
Your message truly makes me blush darling. Yes, we should be proud of our period. As well as embrace, nurture and more importantly respect.
Dear my friend Period...
Your my hardest hello but my favorite goodbye, I mean I should give you some credit for making me into a woman and helping me use excuses to eat extra chocolate and Ice cream!!! I thank you for letting me know I am not pregnant but I do not thank you for staining my expensive underwear though, altough I do hope that one day in the future you go for let’s say 9 months and when you arrive I’d of had a little bundle of joy all because you didn’t arrive 🙂 I just wanted to let you know that we don’t give you enough credit for making us women (p.s. please stop my cramps and headaches)
Dear Favorite Player,
Yes, please do give credit when overdue love, you know I deserve it. This thing called "us" is a long haul filled with womanhood, cramps, pregnancy potential, headaches and more importantly anything you want it the relationship to contain.
Perhaps taking the approach of cherishing me minus the favoritism will bring us closer. Be warned, as I age, I tend to get a little nasty. Take care of me now to ease into that phase of "us".
First of all you should be happy I didn't write this yesterday 😐
Once upon a time, back when I didn't really know what you were I prayed for you almost every single night. Then on the 29th of October (not sure which year), I sat on the toilet seat looked down and low and behold it was you! I ran to my mother's room very excited all she did was point at her cupboard and mention I should pack an extra pair of pants (I don't blame her tho it was 6 a.m. ). From that day I made it my mission to learn about you the good, the bad, and the UGLY.
Our journey together started off realll smooth, that didn't last long tho; a year or so into our relationship you kind of became a pain. I mean how do you go from 3 painless days to 7 days a month plus side effects 🙃 I felt betrayed I had put so much work into building our "bond" only for you to come knocking at my door every single month, mad that I'm not pregnant...I mean really?
Your coming has brought out so much in me over the years, whether you believe it or not it's opened up a couple of opportunities for me. We've crossed so many bridges since my first "bad" period that now, (as long as it's not day 1) I receive you as a reminder of my womanhood and how proud of it I should be 🙂 I have had conversations about you and your fellow friends with males and females older and younger than me. I mean you and I have bonded over watermelon, hot water bottles and law series, no one else would do that with me. Also you hold some of my most embarrassing moments with you but I know that you can keep a secret. I am now confident in my being she thanks to you.
I've called you so many names some fitting others a tad bit off, but now I am proud to call you My Period.
I appreciate you,
You make my heart melt. Our bond is greater than any other bond you or I will ever endure. Like any co-dependent relationship (yes, I'm willing to admit my dependecy on you honey), there are many ups and downs. I'm sure the feeling is reciprocal...love and appreciate you.
Let's avoid sugar coating things, as we all know by now how bad sugar is for anyone. There will be more pain. There will be more embarassing moments. There will be headaches. There will be moments of complete humor to share with all species. There will also be happy and sad moments between the two of us. All of which requires a great understanding and bond.
Blood sisters forever,
I am glad I have you but since I’ve been on birth control you’ve been a horrible mess causing all these very pain cramps and going through supers in minutes , these headaches aren’t helping either and these mood swings girl you gotta get under control. I love you though you give me excuses to miss school eat plenty of my favorite junk foods and so on. You make me feel very feminine when I talk about you I am proud of you.
Blush, you're welcome! But I must admit, I'm a tad concerned about headaches and mood swings given a pill to assist in regulating me. Please, please mention those symptoms to your physician as masking anything is always a poor policy in my mind.
Oh, and on the ditching school and eating junk food...careful honey. Pick those ditch days wisely, there will come a day when those are far and few between. Skip the junk food in my opinion, and cozy up to a mug of hot raspberry tea when I get moody or crampy. You may see a different side of me.
First of all, why do you like to come twice a month? It's bad enough I have to see you once, but twice? Not fair. Second of all, why is it that every time I do see you, you insist on making me feel like I have acid in my uterus? I thought we were friends.
Dear Number Two,
Once a month just isn't enough for me right now. Can't you see my adoration for you? True love honey, true love.
Now wait a second...acid in the uterus? You speak from experience...now you have intrigued me! All kidding aside, we are friends. We are going to be friends for quite some time, so let's begin with some compliments for one another as an olive branch. Personally, I think red looks fabulous on you. Your turn...
I hate that you're so irregular and pop up anytime you feel like it. I tried all sorts of apps to track you, but somehow you still find a way to come by surprise. You make me second guess myself of being pregnant... When I know I'm not! I don't like you most of the time, but when you don't come for months at a time and all of a sudden pop up again.. I appreciate you and realized I missed you. *Even though you ruined my cute undies* Hahaha. Thank you also for not giving me any pain... Or crazy symptoms. I love/hate you girl.
Dear Love Hate,
Hate is such a strong word, don't you think? I prefer Love honey, it's what makes the world go 'round. Enough of that sappiness, let's get down to business on calling me irregular...being on-time all the time is asking for quite a bit in my humble opinion; besides, a little spontaneity goes a long way in my book, shuga.
Maybe surprise me with opting to go on a birth control pill to "control" me, get it? The nonstop body changes of exercise, nutrition, hormones, etc...can all contribute to me being irregular. A steady mix of exercise and clean nutrition may help me get back to being on-time, and in all honestly please do go speak to a gynecologist about other ways to "control" me. You are my supervision and like it or not, you are the boss of me. Ugh, that hurts to say...
Until whenever I choose to show up,
You are a bit of a jerk, you give me headaches and all of your responses are kind of mean. I don't even want kids so I really wish you didn't exist
A jerk? C'mon, now that is mean. I'm hurt...nah not really, but you never know when I may retaliate with a nasty headache or cramps so tread lightly there, Someone. Wishing me to not exist seems rather one-sided, don't you think? I exist to make you more of a woman honey.
Until next month, ta-ta
Hi. I just wanted to say sometimes we do not like each other. But I love you. And at least I'm not pregnant. Thank you for everything.
I know we don't always get along, it's the natural ebb and flow (crimson) of relationships. My job is a simple one, I am at your service.
I like you. No wait! I hate it when you don't show yourself up sometime. And i miss those extra bars of chocolates and a hot water bottle beside my bed every time. I feel the thrill of womanhood. But those extra cringes on my body and headaches makes me go eww! But never mind please do wave me every month on the right time. I love uh anyway 😘
Dear Hold The Cocoa,
Well hello there darling, what a lovely message. I like you too. But a tip there friend...that chocolate is really not what I'm looking for between us. I do like a yummy tea, and if cramping, a raspberry tea can do wonders. The hot water bottle is lovely, similar to a cozy blanket.
Sorry for the extra body aches. But I cannot promise those will subside. Let's just keep this line of communication open, and see where our desires take us?
Much love shuga,
To you, my womanhood.
You arrive at the wrong times, if at all, go months without greeting me and remind me often of my loneliness, remind me your absence isn’t the presence of something bigger and made from love, but just absence. But I do love you. It’s empowering to bleed. Empowering to shed and rebuild.
Then I realized it was women, not men, who I preferred. Now, I am reminded that you being there is not an absence of love and children, but the strength of being a woman. I learn your arrival is never feared nor a relief, it is just part of life. Everything you can do, I can do bleeding, right?
Love you !
I’ve often wondered about this concept of unconditional love. I think your love for me embodies it perfectly. And while you needed time to find your path to understanding and appreciating me, I knew you’d get there eventually. I’m proud knowing we’re united and that you recognize my value. I work hard to bring you balance and renewal. I’m amazing, if I do say so myself.
Your amazing friend,
Honestly you make my life difficult so uh sorry to ask but- WHY DO YOU HAVE TO EXIST PLEASE LEAVE ME
Dear Difficult Friend,
Leave you? Now that’s humorous. NEVER! Let’s look at this holistically: you need me and I need you, well at least your uterus. Play nice and share
Until next month,
I hate you so much. You mess with my emotions and cause me a great deal of pain... but at least I get chocolate!! You have ruined so many pairs of expensive underwear it’s unbelievable!! And you make me cry at everything and shout all the time! I can’t go swimming for my big galas and I feel like I can’t get out of bed!
The only good side to you is I know I’m not pregnant!
Hate, really? So I’ve ruined a few pairs of underwear and make you a little emotional now and then. How about looking at the big picture? I’m a fine tuned process, a marker of your overall health, and a great excuse when you need it (Who loves chocolate? We do!).
So before you push me to the curb let’s take a deep breath, step away from the tears, and value me for what I am -AMAZING. Who else can do what I do for you month after month? Embrace the hormonal fluxes because we have a ride ahead of us and I’d rather we be mutually respectful, and you recognize how AMAZING I am. Oops did I already say how AMAZING I am? Humble I am not, but you knew that.
Your dedicated friend,
I was at hotel for my job and when I woke up when the alarm went off I felt all wet down there so I jumped up to go to the ladies room I had gotten my period over night so I cleaned my self up and when I went back into the bed room I had bled all over the sheets I was so afraid I just made the bed and left I know I should have told a cleaning crew but I was ashamed
You should never be ashamed of me! I'm a bold and beautiful testament to your womanhood and health. My arrival may not have been the best timing, but when is it? So next time, own it and be proud girl.
I woke up and you like attacked me. I ruined my underwear. I know you are natural but why do you hurt me so much?
Attack, really it was that bad? I don't mean to come on so strong, it's a fine balance to coordinate my arrival. I mean I like being the center of your attention and all, but jeez, words like "attack" and "hurt" are rough. Be patient with me, okay?
I hope you die since I don't even want to have kids and yet you still have to bleed??? God it sucks and it hurts and feels uncomfortable and I hope my period (YOU) die.
Dear Death Wisher,
Die? A little harsh honey. Look, I know I can be a pain and quite uncomfortable at times but wishing my death chokes me up.
Let’s face it...I’m here to stay whether you want kids or not. I’m hear to bring you into womanhood which is quite magical if I do say so myself.
Cheers to more good times
Why do you always give me horrible mood swings and bloating? 🙁 we were once good friends, no pain and a carefree five days! You've turned toxic x
Love from VP x
Oh dear, it seems we may have stepped out of sync? And crap...my perfection of carefree living hit a bump in the road!
Let’s run down our list to get back on track, as bloating and mood swings could be a needed nutritional adjustment. And always exercise on my arrival date...trust me.
The last thing I want to be is toxic.
Looking forward to our next adventure,