I just want to apologize for being so unhealthy. I got you this month and I was so happy about it because I felt like a woman again, you were really heavy and you stained almost every bed sheet but I'm still grateful. Please forgive me for being so unhealthy that you take 3 months to come.
Girl we need to talk. I'd love to see you more often. like monthly. I'm good for you and frankly when my arrival is delayed over and over again, I become a bit depressed. I can tolerate being late a day here or there, but not months! I'm starting to take this personally. But before I go down that path, I think you should have a women's health exam to rule out things like hormonal imbalances or fibroids or polyps, for that matter. I don't want to be mad at you if there is something not working just right. Now, if it's just because you aren't taking care of yourself from day to day - then get with the game girlfriend! We only have a limited amount of time together. Let's make the most of it.
Your concerned friend,
Is it bad that I like to see you sometimes. I just always feel joy when you come because for some reason I feel like a lady.
No, it's fantastic! I want you to feel that way. That's how it should be.
So I’m spotting this month. I know you don’t come often because of my medical problems, but please just come this month!
I’m trying, promise. It’s hard when our relationship is complicated by medical problems ... you know I want to visit monthly. We should take it slow and steady, because once I start visiting consistently you may realize that you don’t like me all that much?
Your loyal friend,
I pretty sure by now you know I hate you. You make me feel bad & smell bad. You make me sad, you make me crave attention & want to be loved. You make me throw up & make my stomach hurt.
Honestly you disgust me.
Hate … really? I don’t think you mean it. And if you think you do, here’s a little dose of reality - I’m not going anywhere for a while.
Perhaps my arrival is a bit intense. I can try to tone that down, but what’s in it for me? If you think we can be partners in this, I'm open for suggestions.
I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve your pain but I would gladly appreciate it if you could stop doing that? Thanks.
Oh, and could you also not go so crazy at night so I have to change my sheets every day.
Other than that I’m okay with you. You’re a super good excuse for not having sex, eating chocolate and binge watching Netflix without anyone judging you 🙂
What can I say, all relationships have their ups and downs? The downs, so they include some discomfort and the occasional stained sheet … but the ups are pretty sweet, oh and how I love to lounge and binge on the Netflix. Have I ever told you how much I like you?
Why do you constantly hurt? You don’t accept Motrin, or ANY pain meds. They only thing you respond to is heat! I can’t keep myself in a bed for a week with a heating pad. Why do you hate me?!
P.S. You’re making me fat from all this chocolate I think I need.
Oh sweetie, your perception is not my intention, trust me. Perhaps put yourself in my shoes, if I wore them, and see my actions toward you as pure love. Love is challenging, and honey I simply heart you. Attempting to calm my roar with medicine may not be what is best for you and I. Maybe try a more natural approach with teas, exercise and meditation to connect better with me. Oh and that chocolate that you are telling yourself you need...skip it, sugar only makes me crazy.
Looking forward to seeing you next month schnookems,
I hate you! But I love you! Some months you're amazing because you're light and easy and pain-free but most of the time your heavy then regular the light which I don't mind but then you give me the worst headaches and worst of all the CRAMPS!! The cramps I hate!! I wish you could be regular! I'd love it if you could be regular. If you could be every 28 days, you could give me as many cramps as you'd like. But I love the fact that you give us the opportunity to reproduce.
I must say, hate is a strong word honey. As is amazing...thank you. I do sincerely apologize for the light to heavy, back and forth attitude. And I do apologize for the cramps, but just like when you are working out the muscles that you are responsible for, a little cramping tends to perk up every now and then. I'm working over your uterus shuga, and will continue to do so until the day we part. Your request for me to be regular is duly noted, but did you ever strive to be regular? No, no you do not. Let's keep things spicy.
I would appreciate it if you wouldn’t be so painful, sometimes I can hardly move. I will say that I am grateful when you randomly come early and also when you aren’t around for fun holidays.
Dear Fun Lover,
Take that pain you are feeling, and move honey. That movement will help you in more ways than one. Perhaps view my "pain" as a touchy feely sign that you should go for a walk or run. We are in this together for quite some time, so be sure to exercise me properly.
I like a good holiday just like the next bloody girl. Looking forward to the upcoming.
Why do you cause me all these problems? PMS, ruined underwear and sheets and expensive sanitary products. It's bad enough having to deal with dealing the gynecologist recently and now I have to deal with you.
At least I am single now so I don't have to deal with you turning up at the wrong time.
From Hannah in the UK
Dear Newly Single,
Am I really to blame for all of those problems? No, that would not be my bloody opinion. We are in this for a life-long relationship, and ensuring that we nurture each other is a key ingredient love.
Going to the gynecologist is like getting the oil changed in your auto...it simply must happen. Keep up that maintenance, especially for when you are no longer single, wink wink.
Oh, and I do apologize for any spilled milk incidents with my arrival.
Cramps and hugs,
Dear Period Hiya,
I am glad you came along a week after my 13th birthday because I know everything is normal and is working like it should. I try to support you as much as I can by using Cloth Pads and Menstrual Cups. I love the fact that you are what makes us able to reproduce as it's a wonderful thing. I Love You Sometimes!
However, I'm not happy about the fact that you aren't regular as I'm now coming up to 16 in 20 days and you're still irregular. Please can we sort that out, I'd love you forever if you were every 28 days? I also don't like the fact that even when you're not here I still receive Bad Cramps and Bad Migraines. If you could ease of them that would be much appreciated. This is only because in a PE lesson I had the worst Migraine so I had to sit out. Also, in PE I had the worst Cramps. Luckily, my PE teacher understands as she had this when she was younger (She's 24!)
Anyway .... Till next time ....
Dear Cramping and Migraine Sufferer,
I knew this day may come when we would need to discuss my outbursts. Yes, I am a leading cause of migraine headaches during menstruation, which is not something that makes me proud. We all have room for improvement, and I am no different.
A few ways to make me more regular and a few suggestions on nutrition to avoid during menstruation may help alleviate some of your migraines. When seeking to keep me regular, the birth control pill is a fantastic format to keep me on those 28 day cycles. And may assist somewhat with cramping, but we'll get to that later. For migraines, please please avoid chocolate, bananas, yeast products (bread, bagels, pizza) and most importantly alcohol when you are starting to begin a new Period. Be sure to hydrate with the best hydrating beverage of them all: water.
Okay, those cramps I provide...well let me scream out that it is incredibly hard to be dormant for days on end and then have this expectation that is is party time when the uterus goes into high gear! I promise to work on my cramping...
Thank you as always for keeping me on my toes.
And yes, I'll see you next month,
I honestly can like you at times when you're being considerate and wait to show up until after vacation and big events. What I didn't like though was when you used to be very very very irregular and gave me pregnancy scares (even though I've never even had a boyfriend) and made me think I was getting it but I didn't. Now that you come regularly I really appreciate it but I don't really like when my lower body aches when I'm working. You used to be very heavy and made me scared to sleep at my friends houses but now I can be more relaxed except for when I think you're gone and your not and I bleed through at school 😬 You smell pretty bad too and make me go through a lot of tampons. I'm always scared to tell people when you're around and I don't think that's a healthy relationship to have. Thanks for showing me that I'm a woman but no thanks for the pain and embarrassment you've caused me.
Okay, I admit it, the heavy flows are not very kind. Same for the irregularity. Let's face it...we are not perfect, including you darling. Oh and the bleeding through at school...c'mon now, every gal just wants a piece of the limelight every now and then...cut me some slack.
With your heavy at times flows, ever consider a menstrual cup? Might be worth the try and review. And in the end, a cup is clearly more sustainable method over tampons, and has been known to take on heavier flows.
Hint...for those body aches, be sure to exercise on the days prior to my arrival and day one no matter how achy you feel. Also, maybe try a Period tracking app? They're wonderful.
I was afraid that you wouldn't show up this month. I started to listen to every pain and twinge in my body over the past week, hoping it was just you getting ready to show up. I was convinced that you weren't going to visit this month. That you would turn into something that I really don't want to deal with again. I really miss you when you don't turn up.
I lay in bed last night, slowly awoken by the familiar cramps in my back and abdomen. "No...it couldn't be... there's no way that's you? Please, please, please, for the love of fuck that better be you down there..." I put my hands between my legs and even in the darkness I can see that my fingers returned darker. "You're here!" My shoulders feel like jelly, the tension melts away. You beautiful dark merlot! My darling, I was so excited to see you. I really miss you when you don't turn up.
You're a demanding visitor, especially when you arrive unannounced. You're just like me, you've gotten more demanding as the years have gone by. I am going to shower you with affection tonight. We're going to eat the sweet Belgian chocolate and catch up with our partner-in-crime, the hot water bottle. I love you, and I really miss you when you don't stop by.
Dear Fellow Red Wine Lover,
Fear: the motion that puts your legs in motion honey. Apologies for taking my time this month. Oh, and cut out the frightful head games darling...they are a ineffective use of your time.
Speaking of wine, I might be more like a nice Malbec don't you think...plump, dark with a smoky finish. With that liking to be a little dark and smoky, a disappearing act every now and then is my signal to you that I needed some "me" time. You may call it demanding, I call it righteous.
See you sometime next month schnookems,
The beginning : Oh the pain, the hard work, the hiding. Later on: sorrow when seeing NOT pregnant. Later happy : Pregnant! Once more happy again : pregnant with twins, double the sorrow when they die too soon.
And April this year, bought and used my first Organicup , fell in love with it at once, cant live without it now <3 <3 the Best invention ever !!!!! Why oh why didn't I try this before !!!!
Dear Menstrual Cup Lover,
Welcome to the sustainable party shuga, so happy to have you join! A menstrual cup, such as Organicup, is such a wonderful option. Love it!
Yes yes, we do have our ups and downs and quite the range of emotions together on this roller coaster called menstruation. I'm not here to be a bore, and I do like my ego stroked...that took years of therapy to harness. Let's be honest...between the pain and cramps, the lame dormant time frames, the potential pregnancies, the unfortunate miscarriages, and the bloody messes, I do simply love you. None of my actions are to be taken personally.
And don't think for a minute that I'm done yet...
You came around when I was 15, you didn’t sneak up on me. Instead you caused pain in my pelvis and the next day decided you were ready to make your debut. I was embarrassed at first but was happy to take that first step into woman hood together. Over the years you have taken several vacations and hotel uterus has grown 5 amazing and beautiful children that have brightened my life considerably. There were times tho, when you broke my heart. When I didn’t expect to see you and you showed up. I knew by the sight of your red drip that a life inside of me had just ended and that you would be taking it out with you. It just wasn’t meant to be. You quietly and gently cleansed my body and time went on, you flowed and so did my tears. The reset button had been hit and everything inside restored to begin again. But period? Thank you. Thank you for doing what Mother Nature intended and for being there when something wasn’t right. Right now I know your away on vacation as hotel uterus is now occupied, so please don’t return early. Have a nice vacation.
Well, flutter, flutter, you get me!
Yes, I can bring incredible joy and incredible sadness all in a whirlwind of time. I can provide intense pain and tears, but bring new life too. It is quite honestly a struggle to just be me...always trying to do the "right thing" which is not easily accomplished for any bloody soul.
I’m over the moon that you, mom-to-be, are at peace with the mixed bag of emotions that I bring to womanhood. With your insightfulness what do you say I take our later years easy on you? Deal?
I really appreciate you being right on time every month. I'm sorry for all the things I put you through with all the crazy diets I've tried over the years. I hated not knowing when or if you were going to show up each month and somehow blamed you for my inconsistencies. But now I'm listening to my body, and by extension - you, and I've noticed things haven't been as hectic for either of us. I hope this is the start of something new and healthy and beautiful.
You do love me, don't you? I'm thrilled beyond comprehension that we are finally there, as soul mates. That's all that this bloody friend wanted, was for you to listen.
A little pre-apology, as things might veer off the regularity as we grow old together. So a tip for those future years of "us"...nurture me, love me, listen to me, and we will have the best relationship.
I know I’ve been stressed and that has been screwing you up. I don’t mind the breaks though.
Remember when I was ten stories high, and the only way to get down was the staircase, and you brilliantly planned to make me immobile. I couldn’t walk, and still struggled to make it down the steps.
It hurts and I love you so, it’s a battle that some may never face. Please leave me be at the times in which I am lowest, please.
Blaming the pain of ten story jaunts on me, are we? Bold move honey, bold. I would be blaming the building superintendent for not having a "menstruation elevator" for cryin' out loud.
Anyhow, onto better topics...your stress. Listen darling, my intentions are to never bring or add to your stress. I'm that lovely monthly reminder that you are a woman which means not only the best ability to handle stress, but also, the best ability take those low moments and turn them into high ones. Some advice for days one through five of your cycle: replenish your iron, eat some greens like spinach, broccoli or asparagus, and add some turmeric with ginger in a hot tea which helps with inflammation.
You always seem to come up at the most irregular times. I just feel so unclean when I have you. I feel like I can’t be hygienic because I’m always bleeding. And the tampons can barely stop you. I’m not sure what to do anymore..
Dear Miss Clean,
So I'm a touch untidy, give me a bloody break!
If that not so hygienic feel gets you down, try a menstrual cup. The benefits may greatly outweigh those more traditional of a tampon or pad. Not to mention the added cost and sustainable benefits! Let's face it, I'm not going away anytime soon, so you may as well find a way to ensure we get along...you dig?