Today, I have my annual exam of which will provide no new results, and continued frustration on my behalf as the educated physician will have zero answers on why my Period does whatever she friggin wants.
Where to begin...by now I'd think you'd understand that educated physicians are not the boss of me. I bleed to the beat of my own drum. The sooner you embrace me the better off we will all be.
Why is that we have peacefully coexisted for 20+ years and you suddenly came screaming and raging in my mid-thirties?
Fu&* off, really? Now, now, how childish of you especially now that you're in your thirties. Never fear, I get nastier in your forties love.
Hugs, cramps and blood clots,
As you know I've recently started having hot flashes in bed at night. Now I have my regular heavy flow period and early menopause. Make up your &$@?%# mind!!!
You are greedy and mean,
Dear Hot Flash,
It saddens me to know that our time will soon be coming to a close. What can I say, I want to surround you with my love? I can be a little needy at times, and well this is how I show my love best. Did you know that omnipresent is one of my favorite words?
Hugs and hot flashes,
Is it really necessary for you to be more difficult as I get older. Waking up soaked in my own sweat because you decide to mess with my hypothalamus is pushing the outer limits. It is however your only feature that reminds me I am not a teenager as my unruly hormones take every shed of my fabulous forties!
Here's the thing, I like to build momentum, slow and steady, before I go out with a bang. If you're any kind of planner you'll know where this is going - plain speak, I'm ramping it up girlfriend. Just think how wonderful your fabulous fifties will be without me. I'm just helping you prepare for that era of your life.
I am so over you. You have ruined enough days of my life, particularly in my 40's. I am soon getting an IUD! The one that eliminates periods all together! So we are officially breaking up! Good riddance to my Aunt from Red Bank! You are mean spirited and I will not miss you.
Breaking up? Not so fast my dear. You really think a piece of plastic is going to come between us? I will not give up so easily. A battle is a foot, be warned it could get bloody.
Just when I thought you had moved on (I am over 50), you came running back into my life. Is it because my young teen just got her period for the first time? Do you really think that is fair?? Do you really think I want to be cycle sisters with my daughter?? And just how I am supposed to keep from blurting out to her that I kinda resent her for it?? Thanks for ruining another milestone in my life and hers.
You've got it all wrong. There's no ruining of a milestone here, I've come back to give you a gift, a unique bonding opportunity with your daughter. How many 50-somethings can say they're blood sistas with their daughter? I like the ring of that, there's reality show potential. You'll change your tune once your show pays for your daugther's college tuition, promise.
Your talent scout AKA Period
I just completed category 4, subcategory 3 (bathroom) of the cult of KonMari and instead of shoving the 6 boxes & 5 bags of tampons and pads to the back of the cabinet I have to put it all in one container. This is my dilemma (oh wait - I forgot to mention how much I hate you. I hate you): a red basket is a cliche. Maybe black to represent you sucking the life out of me each month? Wicker is out because I hate wicker. Maybe something pretty because those are my little soldiers in the battle every month? What say you?
Spark Joy Bitch!
Did it occur to you that your attraction to the Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up cult may be a hint? This need to declutter may be a sign of other life changes on the horizon. I'm practical Declutter, I want you to use those menstrual products on hand and stop buying more than you need, and more importantly that which you may not need in the very near future. Change is hard Declutter, but resisting it is even harder.
Oh, and I prefer the natural basket. I have simple tastes.
When I first got my period I thought "Here come the boobies". I'm still waiting 25 years later. Thanks for making me a woman downstairs and a 6th grade boy upstairs.
Lifetime member I.B.T.C.
Whoever told you that getting your period equated to getting boobies played you for a fool. Was this an older sister perhaps? Or the class bully? There are no hormonal guarantees in life I.B.T.C., well except a few like menopause (just thought I'd mention that) and wrinkles. I think it's time you embrace your little boy chest - go bra free, jump up and down, forgo the padded bra that makes you look like you have something you don't .... live a little and celebrate the flat lands!
With that, I think you should run for I.B.T.C. President, just sayin'.
We have had a tumultuous relationship, you and I. I remember when you first arrived. I didn’t know what to do. My mom had never talked with me about you. All I knew was from a pamphlet I’d sent away for and from reading about girls who had gotten their periods in fiction books. Well, just two girls: Margaret and Allegra Maud Goldman. I was uninformed. I waited two days after you came to tell my mom. I felt awkward and weird. My mom gave me some pads and that was that. Several days later she asked, “So, whatever happened with your period?” I don’t think we spoke of you again. I don’t remember how my supply of bulky pads was replenished. (Tampons were not discussed as an option.)
You were troublesome. You were strong and demanding and I didn’t know how to control you. So many nights I slept with a hand towel tucked into my underwear to try and keep you from getting all over my sheets. So many times I got up from a chair worried that you’d made a surprise appearance (all over the back of my pants). Remember the one time when that actually happened? I was in my 20s and still didn’t know how to manage you. The highest absorbency tampon along with a thick maxi pad couldn’t staunch your flow. I got up from lunch and, HELLO, there you were. I wrapped my jacket around my waist, hastily told the principal at the school where I was teaching what happened (luckily, she was a woman), and rushed to Wal-Mart to buy a new pair of pants, desperately searching for the same olive green color I’d been wearing. Do you know how hard it is to find an olive green pair of pants when you need one? I felt ashamed, I felt defeated, I couldn’t wait for you to be gone. I held on to the one period fact my mom shared with me: she went through menopause early, in her 40s.
I’m in my 40s now. And you’re still in my life! I’ve kept track of you for 131 cycles but, sometimes you still surprise me. Like the time you waited 44 days to show up rather than your usual 27. What was up with that? Or the time you popped up after just 23 days. Last year, I tried a menstrual cup and reusable pads (I use GladRags). I did my research before I ordered. Did you know there are teenage girls making YouTube videos about you? Talking openly about you and sharing tips for using menstrual cups? Amazing! I was so impressed with these young women. I thought, if they can be open and accepting of their periods, I can, too. The menstrual cup and GladRags were total game changers! I initially switched to reusables to minimize my waste. I didn’t realize I would feel in control of you for the first time in my life. I have a different perspective of you. I wouldn’t say we’re friends, but I’ve accepted you for who you are. Mighty, assertive, someone who will be seen, a force to be reckoned with. Powerful. I respect you.
I need to get something off my chest ... I know olive green pants are fashionable today, but 20 years ago they weren't. I did try to tell you, okay in the form of ruining your pants and humiliating you in the process. That probably didn't help our relationship, oh well. I know it hasn't felt like it, but I do have your back and always have. You just didn't understand how to work with me.
Water under the bridge now, but I am sad we missed out on decades of mutual understanding and respect. Now that you know how to manage me (they always say manage up), I trust that we can align more closely. I'm also impressed and relieved that you've found ways to reduce your waste when dealing with me. Compliments aside, I can't promise that my sporadic visits won't continue. What can I say - I still get moody and I am the epitome of self centered. But I will try as we round that final corner toward menopause (READ OUR LAST JOURNEY TOGETHER). Lets go out with a bang.
Consider this my olive branch Missy.
Why have you still not become regular? I am almost 32 years old and every month is still a guessing game. Is that nausea from PMS or is it a hint of morning sickness? Is that a cramp or a regular old back ache? This has been going on 15+ years now and I would like an answer. You seem to even out for most women? Why not me? I am tired of your surprise ruining cute panties.
Ready to be Regular
Patience darling, as this is a long and wild ride we are on together. And this "even out" notion to mentioned...please do tell more, as I would love to know why anyone ever strives to be evened out? You see, where I come from, life is meant to be full of surprises including those categorized as shocking.
Yes, yes, today I bring a bag of symptoms of cramping, headaches, back aches (wait until you're in your forties), pregnancy thoughts, the list goes on and on. A hint...maintain ideals that there will be a day when I tire of keeping you on your toes and will "even out". Until then what do you say we take the spice level up a notch?
I cried over WiFi because of you. Really?
Dear Hormone Hater,
WiFi? Well done on going over the edge my friend. I like to keep you humble darling.
I'll never forget the day I told my mom about you, or rather, the whole family.
Actually, it took three whole days after your debut for me to screw up the courage to CALL HER AT WORK to tell her of my undesired milestone. (Sadly this was pre-texting or email, back in the Dark Dark Ages, when the phone was still attached to the wall.) I sheepishly awaited her arrival home from work that afternoon, watching a Schoolhouse Rock special with my younger brother and sister (back when you only had 4 TV channels - very DARK ages). On the way home, she had picked up my older sister who was 17. A very self-absorbed, mean girl 17.
Remember Neil Diamond's cheesy ode, "Girl, You'll Be a Woman Soon"? Well, my b-tch of a sista came waltzing into the TV room, singing at the top of her lungs, "Girl, You're a Woman Now". Did I mention my younger brother and sister? It was a long time before I forgave her.
So, Dear Period, I suggest you post something, anything, on your various social media platforms, imploring older sisters to be kind to their younger sisters when you first show up. If you can't say anything kind, don't say anything at all, right? And no Neil Diamond, please.
Humiliated But Recovered
I remember this well, funny how my recollection is a bit different. Forgive me if I was blinded by attention back then. Your sister welcomed me with such zeal, a ceremonial chant initiating us into the tribe of bleeders. Who wouldn’t be bedazzled? Perhaps it was too soon for you, but I loved it - every s-I-n-g-l-e second of it.
It’s probably for the best that we haven’t talked about this until now. I agree that older sisters should be kind and share tricks of the “cycle”, let’s spread that word together! In the meantime if you haven’t already, please forgive your sister.
I'm 48 years old, and you're reliable like clock. There isn't going to be any upcoming resident in my uterus, so it's okay to retire. Really! I'll be okay.
Why wont you retire????
Thank you for your kind consideration.
Dear Early Retirement,
Not so fast my dear, you’re not the boss of me. I’ll retire when I’m ready. I have to say I’m a bit disappointed, I thought we had a good thing going? You haven’t experienced me angry, let’s keep it that way, shall we? So no more of your silly early retirement demands, deal?